15 Strange Claims Schwartzisbigger Makes About Penises

After reading Naomi Wolf's paean to her genitalia, Vagina, Arnold Schwartzisbigger quickly penned one of his own. Following are a few excerpts, plagiaristically titled "15 Strange Claims Schwartzisbigger Makes About Penises."

1. A penis is not happy without a hole. Penises like to go into holes. Vaginas are good; so are mouths and anuses. Although some say a male mouth or anus isn’t as attractive as a female one, that’s just silly! A hole is a hole is a hole is a... Even something resembling a hole, like, say, a slat, can confer happiness. As Nora Ephron once remarked about her ex-husband, ‘That man could have sex with a Venetian blind!’

2. Your penis makes you a god--or at least a king. This is obvious and agreed upon by everyone. Penises are like little scepters that confer regality upon those who own them. God gave men penises so they would know they have dominion. Whenever there is a difference of opinion, merely check to see who has the penis, and that person wins. If both people have penises, the one with the bigger penis wins.

3. What’s Foreplay? People with penises don’t require foreplay, which is another sign of godliness. Men don’t want to “beat around the bush,” but prefer to get right to “the point,” with or without mutual consent, which is a sign of their widely-admired “can do” attitude.

4. The penis can control the mind. This isn’t always a good idea. Ask Bill Clinton. But it’s another piece of evidence that the penis is an extremely powerful tool which God gives only to righteous people who deserve something awesome and powerful.

5. The penis evolved to help men reach nirvana. It’s pretty obvious the penis isn’t just about making babies, otherwise they’d be dropping off about now due to overpopulation. No. Penises are also about the evolution of the soul. Putting your penis into a hole is like meeting God, particularly when She’s wearing super sexy red, crotchless panties.

6. Ballsacks can think. Like when you’re really really cold, and your ballsack shrivels up, and your balls try to ascend into your body, they’re thinking, “Shit! It’s really fucking cold out there!!”

7. The penis is the meaning of life. It is not surprising that when the penis stops getting erect multiple times daily with no provocation whatsoever, its owner feels like laying down in front of a train, thereby really inconveniencing a lot of upright commuters who are only trying to reduce global warming by using public transit. Without penile-hole interaction, what’s the point?

8. Men don’t need love, because of penises. It’s time to admit that cooperation with people who don’t have penises is just a colossal waste of time, because even if those people decide they “love” you, they aren’t going to let you stick your penis in their hole whenever you feel like it. Studies show that men who are disrespectful and cruel get to put their penises in holes just as often as men who are kind and considerate. Therefore, “love” is overrated.

9. Penises get depressed. Most men who don’t get to put their penis into a hole regularly are unhappy, and some even turn to violent crime. This is caused by “penile depression,” and is one reason prostitution should not only be legalized, but mandatory for all unmarried penisless people over 21.

10. They feel grief. One way to tell if your penis is sad is to examine it carefully in the mirror. Is it frowning? Droopy? Hanging its head? If your penis looks sad, it probably is. Try putting cute little costumes on your penis. A big nose, glasses, and a little moustache are bound to cheer your penis up.

11. Sex is all about the "penis-hole connection." Like Plato’s Allegory of the Cave, the penis’s attraction to the hole is deep. In the midst of penetration, men can experience the transcendent penis-hole connection that defines reality as we know it.

12. Women tell men not to touch their penises because they are greedy. Women don’t want men to be happy. They want men to be their slaves. Ignore anyone who tells you not to touch your penis and masterbate freely as often as possible, preferably in public while watching children on a playground.

13. Penises make men smarter and better. There’s a reason men have dominated math, science, politics, literature, art, philosophy, fashion, dance, media, business, architecture, sports and pretty much all of society for time immemorial, and it’s not because women have been spending 90% of their time perpetuating the species. It’s because men have penises. Even so, it’s a good idea to outlaw birth control and abortion to ensure there is no unwelcome shift of power.

14. Porn will ruin your penis. Pornography is a feminist plot to get men to stay inside their houses masterbating instead of going out to rule the world. Remember, it’s better to supress a real woman than to watch one being supressed on television or your computer. Try to limit your pornography consumption to three hours a day.

15. People without penises are unfathomable. What do they even have to think about all day? It’s a mystery.

This post is a riff on a post about Wolf's book called "15 Strange Claims Wolf Makes About Vaginas" which you can find over here: Anna North's Post on Buzzfeed. Thanks for the inspiration, Anna!