Fifty Shades...Of Gay!: a short parody

Because after reading the bestseller Fifty Shades of Gray, I couldn't resist... 

1. I’m a 21-year-old college student from Portland who has never had sex or masturbated. All my friends tell me I look really hot, though. When my best friend, the editor in chief of our school newspaper, got a cold, he asked me to go conduct his most important interview of the year—with a reclusive billionaire businessman. I’m not sure why he didn’t ask a real reporter on his paper. Probably because he thinks I look hot.

2. I have to drive all the way to Seattle for the interview, and I arrive at the billionaire’s office out of breath. I’m so nervous in the plush surroundings that when his secretary swings open the door, I trip over my feet and fall on my knees into his gigantic penthouse office. Crap! “You look good in that position,” Rock Hardway growls. My whole body electrifies at the sound of his voice, particularly down there.

3. I recover myself and sit on a huge white leather couch overlooking all of Seattle. I have a list of questions my friend gave me. I am distracted by Rock’s good looks. He is really young for a billionaire. He wears a white linen shirt and gray pants that hang off his narrow hips. Oh my. One of the questions is embarrassing, but I don’t want to disappoint my friend. I bite my lip and look up at him through my lashes, asking shyly, “Are you gay?”

4. Rock Hardaway looks like he is going to beat the crap out of me. Holy shit! “Why do you ask?” he scowls. Even though I’ve never had sex, I start thinking about humping him right then, on his big mahogany desk. “Because you’ve never been photographed with a woman,” I answer quietly. “No. I’m not gay,” Rock answers, and my heart drops. “But I’d still like to help you on with your jacket.” Oh my!

5. The next day I am at work at a hardware store in Portland when Rock walks through the door. That’s just a coincidence, my snarky subconscious taunts me. But my inner goddess does a double back flip in glee. He came all this way to see you! I help him find all the things on his list—cable ties, rope, masking tape, handcuffs. I ask him if he’s doing some remodeling, and he says no. Hmmm. Then he asks what I like to do in my spare time. I say read Thomas Hardy.

6. I tell Rock that we still need a picture to go with his interview, and he agrees to a photo shoot at his hotel the next day. Whoa! My friend Pedro is the photographer. When I walk Rock outside afterwards, I trip and almost fall in front of a car! Luckily, Rock catches me, and as I look up at him, for the first time in my life, I want to be kissed. But he just stares at me with smoldering eyes and runs his thumb slowly over his lower lip.

7. Instead of kissing me, he asks me out for coffee, where we learn a little bit more about each other. Turns out he is the son of a crack whore but grew up with a wealthy family who adopted him at age six, plays concert-level piano, flys helicopters and gliders, works out every day with a professional kickboxer, makes  $100,000 an hour, and is trying to eliminate world hunger. Jeez! He makes some cryptic comment about having unusual tastes, but I know a lot of people who drink green tea matcha lattes!

8. The next day, I’m surprised when he sends me a first edition of Thomas Hardy’s Tess of the D’urbervilles. The card has some cryptic quote about romance and warnings. My roommate says it’s worth more than $14,000. Does this mean Rock likes me?

9. That night, my friends and I go out to a bar, and I get drunk for the first time in my life. I call Rock from the toilet stall in my inebriation, and he is really worried to hear me slurring my words. Next thing I know, Pedro is out in the parking lot trying to kiss me—and he’s not even gay! Then Rock appears out of nowhere and scares Pedro away with his powerful glare. He also helps me to puke in the bushes. When I pass out, he carries me back to his hotel.

10. We sleep together that night—which Rock says is a first, he never sleeps in the same bed with anyone—but nothing happens. When I ask him why in the morning, his presses his mouth in a hard line and grumbles that he isn’t gay. Besides, I still smell like puke.

11. That’s when I notice I am practically naked. “Who undressed me?” I ask. He says he did. That makes me blush, and then he says he’s so mad that I got drunk and put myself into danger that he wants to spank me. Crap!

12. I bite my lip, and his eyes blaze. “Why don’t you, then?” I tease him. But he says he isn’t going to touch me until he has my written consent. What?! He says I’m going to have to sign some kind of crazy contract. Double crap! Then he invites me to dinner to go over the details.

13. When we are in the elevator going down to the lobby, though, all kinds of electricity bounces off the walls between us, and Rock is so wild with desire that he grabs both my hands and pushes me against the wall, kissing me really hard. I’m starting to think my friends are right. I am hot! Then his chauffeur drives us directly to my house, even though I hadn’t given him my address. Uh oh.

13. That night, it turns out he wants to have dinner at his house in Seattle, so he flies me there in his helicopter. When he helps me strap in, he says how much he likes the harness. Whoa! I tell him how much I admire his competence in not crashing and killing us both on the way!

14. At dinner, we have oysters and expensive wine. He shows me how to swallow without chewing. I ask him why he sent me such an expensive book. He says something about choices: that Angel Clare wants to put Tess on a pedestal, and Alec d’Urberville wants to debase her. I say if it was me, I’d choose debasement. That sets his eyes on fire. I think he really likes classic literature!

15. Rock tells me he’s never flown anyone in his helicopter before, just like he’s never slept with anyone in the same bed. He tells me I’m all kinds of special—he didn’t even know that he liked guys! Then he tells me he’s probably not my kind of man, because he isn’t romantic, and I can never touch his chest. What?! He also tells me he doesn’t make love, he fucks. Hard. Jeez! So I ask him, “Who’s complaining?”

16. Next he shows me a secret room he has in his enormous penthouse mansion that contains all kinds of torture tools like paddles, whips, floggers, canes, shackles, carabiners dangling from the ceiling, a big X on the wall with restraining cuffs, a padded bench, a red leather bed, and a giant, purple, stuffed dinosaur trussed up in the corner.

17. I’m pretty freaked out. “Is that Barney?” I gasp.

18. Rock ignores the question and pulls out a big contract that lists “The Rules.” They cover things like obedience, sleep, food, clothes, exercise, personal hygiene, and looks. It must be 100 pages long!

19. “Do you expect me to read all that?” I breathe.

20. Rock says that he wants to have a unique kind of relationship with me. He will be The Dominant. I will be The Submissive. He pulls out a baseball cap and puts it on sideways. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to react to that, so I ask if we’re going to have the dessert that’s still sitting on the dining room table—strawberry shortcake with lots of whipped cream. LOL.

21. Then he flips the contract open to his list of the “hard” rules. There will be no sex involving fire, pee, poop, knives, blood, medical instruments, children, animals, breath control, or electricity. Gross! He says I will have to follow all the rules. If I don’t, he will punish me.

22. “So…no dessert?”

23. “Come on, Andy,” he commands. “Tell me what you’re thinking. Is there anything I’ve mentioned so far that you object to?”

24. I cock my head to one side, considering.

25. “Paddling? Whipping? Caning? Spanking?”

26. My mouth quirks up into a smile.

25. “Dildos, vibrators, butt plugs?”

26. I wrinkle my nose.

27. “Little silver balls that I put up your who who?”

27. I frown.

28. “Genital clamps?”

29. I wrinkle my brow.

30. “Binding hands in front? In back? At the elbows? Feet to head?”

31. I open both eyes wide and raise my eyebrows.

33. “Ice cubes? Hot wax? Instant pudding?”

34. “Look, Rock…” I begin to waver.

35. “Dressing up in spike heels like Tina Turner?”

35. “Wait a minute. Slow down.”

35. “Eating from a prescribed list of foods?”

36. “No!” It finally becomes too much for me. “I object to the food list! No one tells me what to eat!”

37. “Fair point well played, Andrew,” he murmurs seductively, and I wonder if he’s really from Seattle.

38. “Look Rock, I’m really not qualified to decide all this stuff, because I’m a virgin,” I confess. “Maybe I should call my dad.”

39. Rock is stunned. Then he’s mad. Then he’s burning with desire. Then he gives me a really intense look like maybe…he LOVES me! Holy Crap!

40. “Well, then,” he says in his low, stern voice. “We’ll have to take care of that right now. Forget the secret room. I’ll take your virginity the old-fashioned way in my bedroom first. We can do the genital clamps later.”

41-44. I have my very first orgasm when he’s simply pulling on my nipples with his long fingers. Extraordinary! Then he undoes his zipper and his manhood springs free. Holy cow! Then he takes me from the front. Whoa! Then he takes me from the back. Oh my! I like it so much that I scream out his name. Then I give my very first blow job in the bathtub and he cries out my name! Afterwards, he asks if I’m sure I’ve never done this before.

45. After that, he gives me a lot of expensive stuff, like a laptop, a blackberry, a cell phone, a closet full of designer clothes, a free doctor’s appointment, a whole bunch of cash in my bank account, and a new car!

47. He meets my parents. They like him.

48. I meet his parents. They like me. I also meet the evil bitch who seduced him when he was 15 and turned him into a kinky sex monster. We dislike each other.

49. There’s a lot more sex, some bondage, a little light flogging with blindfolds, and three spankings.

50. Eventually, we go back into the special room and he beats the holy crap out of me. That’s when I decide that I don’t want to be The Submissive, after all, so I return all his stuff and break up with him. But don’t worry; it’s not over yet, because I really miss him and all his cool stuff--especially the helicopter!

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Fifty Shades...of Gay! is one of many short stories, plays, novels and columns you can find on my Amazon Author Page. See what I'm working on now at northbeachnotebook.blogspot.com. 

Cover photo courtesy of Randy MacDonald. Thanks, Randy!

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